Requirements for change

What do you want?

Goals = adult

Wants = child

List your wants

  • What part of me wants it – PAC?
  • If the child doesn’t want it you probably won’t get it
  • If only the child wants it, it may not be a good idea as the consequences have not been considered
  • If only the parent wants it, it is a “should”
  • Adult must be involved in the want to provide the “how to”
  • The desire to please the parent never leaves us but may be modified

Options for getting each want

  • Getting information about the want
  • Asking for it

What are the consequences?

  • Are there any conflicts? This may mean making choices

What did the child want originally? (Longings of the child)

  • Security
  • Novelty
    • Information makes the child secure in novel situations
    • Security<——>novelty spectrum
  • Meaning (the significance of my life)

Requirements for change

  • Wanting to change comes first
    • Pain
    • Boredom
    • Enlightenment – the discovery that you can
  • Positives work, negatives don’t (see Do and don’t messages)
  • Have a reward in sight – child needs to play in this too – “will I feel better?”

Habits can help because they save energy – providing they are the right habits. Energy from stroking builds new habit pathways, and energy comes from people.

“Be the change you want”

Behaviour change chart

  • The difference I want
  • How far do I want to go?
  • Gain and loss
  • What I will do differently?

Change can produce loss as well as gain – everything costs! More freedom means accepting more responsibility, conversely we cannot be responsible if not given freedom.

Record the gains – the child likes to see progress

Get help – this helps us participate in solving our own problems by expanding the possibilities

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