Types of transaction
- Complementary transaction
- Crossed transaction stops the dialogue
- Discounting – external dialogue is blocked by internal dialogue you havent heard a word I said
Good guy (male) / sweetheart (female)
Parent-dominated person with a repressed child who is depressed because of stroke deprivation, adult function pre-empted by parent-child dialogue.
- Keeps trying to fain approval but seldom gets any because
- Doesnt hear the feedback
- If only
- Cant remember jokes because thinking about what he can say next to gain approval
- Cant remember names because parent kicks in with dont forget their name
- Cant say no
- Adapt to needs of everyone
- Doesnt have permission to say anything bad
- Surround themselves with parent-dominated people
- Underline words in letter writing
- Sometimes displace anger on people who cant fight back
- Live in the present
- Live with a standard of goodness that is updated by the adult
- Think before they respond
- Are surprising
- Are enjoyable
- Laugh cry and smile
Good guys can tune out (but not erase) the parent-child dialogue and learn to be with people, to see the other persons child. Then he can choose where to invest his goodness (which may involve some risk but there is adult protection based on the previously un-noticed realities).
The way of stopping the internal dialogue
Recognised known feelings > stimulates adult > stops internal dialogue > what can I do differently? > new actions > new feelings
7 steps of trackdown
- Hurt acknowledge feeling
- Which part of me hurts? The child
- What word best describes my hurt?
- What happened in the recent present to trigger this feeling? Eg crossed transaction or parental putdown
- What is my parent saying to me and how is my child responding?
now youve done it
you had your chance and blew it
and other donts
remember the child makes assumptions
- What can I do differently now?
- Collect stamps and cash them in as a feelings treat
- Take it up with the person who gave it I feel
- File the feeling in athe adult data bank as a trackdown
- What can I do differently next time?
- What part did I play in the transaction? (complicity)
- Do I frequently hook parent-dominated people?
- Does the truth hurt (hooked by the adult)
- Does the other persons child hook me (am I a self-appointed rescuer?)
Discovering parent messages
Can spot this at the time because cant be in adult at the same time as parent.
- Reconstruct what happened after a crossed transaction
- Getting feedback
- Use previous knowledge from past transactions
Confusion < > overload
Results in fatigue and apathy
Ineffective ways of handling confusion
- Become a recluse
- Speed up
Effective ways of handling confusion
- Think problem solve
- Talk 2 heads are better than one
- Ask for clarification – confront inconsistencies
- Write positives in both directions
- Go to experts for more data
- Practice precision
- Make certain big decisions that make a lot of little repetitive decisions unnecessary
- Increase simplicity
- Stop the unnecessary energy
- Accept uncertainty