Don’t messages are more painful than do messages. Often not directly aware that they are occurring.
- Don’t period (no explanation)
- Dont be (l wish you had never been born)
- Don’t be close
- Don’t be important
- Don’t be a child
- Don’t grow
- Don’t succeed
- Don’t be you (be my (fantasy of you)
- Don’t be sane / dont be well (get strokes for berg sick)
- Dont belong
- Dont trust
- Dont think
- Dont show your feelings
- Dont enjoy
- You dont deserve it
- Youll never get it
- Youll lose it if you do
- Youll regret it
- Youll pay for it
- You have more than you deserve
Inferred: child can be OK if he can
- Be perfect
- Be best
- Try hard
- Please me (if you dont I wont like you)
- Hurry up
- Be strong (and dont show your feelings)
So when the child cannot succeed with these the dont messages are confirmed.
6 sources of parent data
These 6 sources are recorded to our own parent where they remain forever. The results are mixed messages > conflict. Adult and child influence (and can therefore modify or change) the derived parent messages.
- Stroking is withheld by the parent
- Dont rest on your laurels
- Achievements not understood
- You dont do it right (my way)
- It isnt perfect
- Strokes are stolen or given to someone else
- Accomplishment is belittled
- You werent the best
but we can get our strokes from elsewhere eg other relationships or ourselves.
No one can hurt our feelings unless they are able to hook our parent which then accuses us internally and then the painful feelings erode our self esteem.