Types of transaction
- Complementary transaction
- Crossed transaction – stops the dialogue
- Discounting - external dialogue is blocked by internal dialogue “ you haven’t heard a word I said”
Good guy (male) / sweetheart (female)
Parent-dominated person with a repressed child who is depressed because of stroke deprivation, adult function pre-empted by parent-child dialogue.
- Keeps trying to fain approval but seldom gets any because…
- Doesn’t hear the feedback
- “If only…”
- Can’t remember jokes because thinking about what he can say next to gain approval
- Can’t remember names because parent kicks in with “don’t forget their name”
- Can’t say no
- Adapt to needs of everyone
- Doesn’t have permission to say anything bad
- Surround themselves with parent-dominated people
- Underline words in letter writing
- Sometimes displace anger on people who can’t fight back
- Live in the present
- Live with a standard of goodness that is updated by the adult
- Think before they respond
- Are surprising
- Are enjoyable
- Laugh cry and smile
Good guys can tune out (but not erase) the parent-child dialogue and learn to be with people, to see the other person’s child. Then he can choose where to invest his goodness (which may involve some risk but there is adult protection based on the previously un-noticed realities).
The way of stopping the internal dialogue
Recognised known feelings > stimulates adult > stops internal dialogue > what can I do differently? > new actions > new feelings
7 steps of trackdown
- Hurt – acknowledge feeling
- Which part of me hurts? The child
- What word best describes my hurt?
- What happened in the recent present to trigger this feeling? Eg crossed transaction or parental putdown
- What is my parent saying to me and how is my child responding?
“now you’ve done it”
“you had your chance and blew it”
…and other don’t’s
– remember the child makes assumptions
- What can I do differently now?
- Collect stamps and cash them in as a feelings treat
- Take it up with the person who gave it – “I feel…”
- File the feeling in athe adult data bank as a trackdown
- What can I do differently next time?
- What part did I play in the transaction? (complicity)
- Do I frequently hook parent-dominated people?
- Does the truth hurt (hooked by the adult)
- Does the other persons child hook me (am I a self-appointed rescuer?)
Discovering parent messages
Can spot this at the time because can’t be in adult at the same time as parent.
- Reconstruct what happened after a crossed transaction
- Getting feedback
- Use previous knowledge from past transactions
Confusion < > overload
Results in fatigue and apathy
Ineffective ways of handling confusion
- Become a recluse
- Speed up
Effective ways of handling confusion
- Think – problem solve
- Talk – 2 heads are better than one
- Ask for clarification - confront inconsistencies
- Write – positives in both directions
- Go to experts for more data
- Practice precision
- Make certain big decisions that make a lot of little repetitive
- Increase simplicity
- Stop the unnecessary energy
- Accept uncertainty