Criticism

On receiving criticism, listen rather than immediately responding on the defensive. Work to stay calm and relaxed and be clear about what is being said rather than jumping to conclusions. By behaving as though criticism is not something to get upset about, you get the chance for some information about what prompted the criticism in the first place and this can be valuable feedback.

You may begin by saying "yes..." and then:

Try to understand and acknowledge the perception and/or option.
".. it must seem as though I am always late.."
Understand and acknowledge the others feelings.
".. I think I can understand why you might feel angry.." .
Consider which of the following is accurate and respond accordingly.

If the criticism is true

Agree with the criticism and possible add some (true) self disclosure.

"It's true I have been late on the last two occasions and it was inconsiderate of me." or "Yes, I am intense and I like that quality in myself." or "I know the report is not as good as it could be and I feel unhappy about my report writing skills." or"I know the reports is not as good as it could be but I am practising and getting better." or "Yes, I know I am untidy".

If the criticism is partly true

Agree with the criticism plus a qualification.

"I am late on this occasion but I have never been late before." or "I did make a mistake but I am not always incompetent." or "Yes I am late but I do have a very good reason." or "It's true I didn't finish off that piece of work but it's not true that I am lazy."

If the criticism is unfounded

Disagree with the criticism.

"That is untrue. I was speaking honestly." or "On the contrary, 1 know I am sensitive to others feelings." or "I am not late. The time agreed at our last meeting was 8pm." or "I disagree. I am a perfectly competent ..."

Put-downs

Deny what is said
Say something good about yourself
Make it clear that you dislike the other person's behaviour
Repeat your message as often as necessary
Repeat it the next time the put-down is used

Receiving criticism

Listen carefully - is there any truth in it?
Make sure you understand why it is given
Clarify eg: "give me an example"
Decide whether it is true
If unsure ask others
Decide to change your behaviour if this is useful

If it's true...

agree with it

explain how you feel

ask why it matters

If it's partly true...

agree with the bit that's partly true

say how you feel

make clear that the rest is untrue

If it's untrue...

reject the criticism

add your positive thoughts

ask for an explanation

Giving criticism

Know what you want to say and why
Which specific behaviour are you criticising
Choose the right time and place
Use specific words and avoid generalisations
Comment on the behaviour and not on the person
Say how you feel
Say the changes you'd like to see
Acknowledge the person's right to accept or reject the criticism
Express willingness to discuss the issue and work out a joint solution
State what you have agreed